Reality Laws

 THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY 

& Law of Mechanical Repair 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity 
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability 
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers 
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi 
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 

& Variation Law 
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

&Law of the Bath 
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters 
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics 
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater 
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law 
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

&  Murphy's Law of Lockers 
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces 
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument 
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance 
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking 
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

&  Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy 
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law 
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Enjoying your job?

Guess What This Is?

Answer at the end.....

It's a new Prison in UK !

Prison vs Work 
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. 
  
 

@ PRISON	@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell @ PRISON	you spend the majority of your time  In an 6X6 cubicle /office  @ WORK
You get three meals a day fully paid for  @ PRISON	you get a break for one meal and  You have to pay for it  @ WORK
You get time off for good behavior	you get more work for  Good behavior
@ PRISON  The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you  @ PRISON	@ WORK  You must often carry a security card  And open all the doors for yourself  @ WORK
You can watch TV and play games  @ PRISON	you could get fired for watching  TV and playing games  @ WORK
You get your own toilet  @ PRISON	you have to share the toilet with  Some people who pee on the seat  @ WORK
They allow your family and friends to visit  @ PRISON	you aren't even supposed to speak To your family  @ WORK
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required  @ PRISON	you get to pay all your expenses to go  To work, and they deduct tax es from  Your salary to pay for prisoners  @ WORK
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out	you spend most of your time wanting  To get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON  You must deal with sadistic wardens	@ WORK  They are called managers

William Tell never had it so good

Shoot the apple off the dude's head.

Click and hold to draw the bow back.  Let off the button to release the arrow.  Use your mouse to control the angle.  Not penalized for shooting over the dude, but the results are... well, they're a killer if you shoot low.  For that matter, try shooting low a few times.

Awesome game..........

Click here to open the file.

If you do not have a spreadsheet program installed on your computer such as MS Excel, visit OpenOffice for a free one!

For Your Information (FYI)

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were

       1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
       2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.
       3.. The smallest is the male sperm.
       4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step.
       5.. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
       6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
       7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
       8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
       9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
       10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
       11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
       12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
       13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
       14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
       15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
       16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
       17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
       18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.
       19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
       20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
       21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
       22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well.

       You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!

Companions

Companions This is a PowerPoint Presentation. If you do not have a program installed on your computer that can read this type of file, please visit Open Office. If clicking on the above link doesn't work, you will need to right click the link and select "save as". This option may be different depending on the type of web browser you are using.

Born to be?????

Baby Boomers Pariody on "Born to be Wild".

Click here.

When I Was A Kid

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill BOTH ways 

Yadda, yadda, yadda 

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of garbage like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of 
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. 

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! 

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet . If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the 
library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! 

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the 
beginning and mess it all up!We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! 

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had 
to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your 
Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! 

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! 

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your couch and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire... Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. 

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. 
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! 
 Regards, 

The over 30 Crowd

The walrus parodies Michael Jackson

8 Years ago this March... How sad! :(

I recieved an email with this information in June of 2008 when the average price of gas in the Untied States was around $4.00 a gallon.

You might remember when this accident happened 8 years ago March 2009.

This Southwest Airlines flight from Vegas overshot the runway at Burbank .

The plane smashed past the airport fence, careened across the street and ended up with a collapsed landing gear, right next to a gas station.   

But that's not the amazing part!!!

Crazy!!!

This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.   You have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.  People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.  ;) 

When you look at this picture close up, you see Albert Einstein, but if you stand about fifteen feet away, the picture will become Marilyn Monroe.

Toilet Prank

Talented children

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs (A Political Fable)

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White begancalling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'For a long while, there was no answer.Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,'Hello! Is anyone down there?'Just as she was about to give up all hope,she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . . ...'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'Snow White fell to her knees, and prayed,'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...

IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM - THIS IS A RIOT!

STORY:
 
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In
my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I
can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting
irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
 
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go"
 
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
 
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
 
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
 
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
 
Manager: "No. A what?"
 
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
 
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
 
Server: "Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'

Me: "Just this fifty, you don't take $2 bills, Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah?"
 
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
 
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
 
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
 
Server: "What should I do?"
 
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
 
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
 
Manager: "Just tell him."
 
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
 
The manager approaches me and says. 
 
Manager: "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.
 
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
 
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
 
Me: "Why not?"
 
Manager: "I think you know why."
 
Me: "No really, tell me why."
 
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
 
Me: "What on earth for?"
 
Manager: "Please, sir."
 
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
 
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
 
Me: "No!"
 
Manager: "Fine have it your way then."
 
Me: "Hey! That's from Burger King, isn't it?"
 
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
 
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
 
Manager: (whispering) 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
 
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
 
Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
 
Guard: "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
 
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
 
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
 
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
 
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
 
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
 
Guard: "Yeah."
 
Security Guard walks over to me and says.
 
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
 
Me: "Uh, no."
 
Guard: "Let me see them."

Me: "Why?" 

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
 
Me: At this point I am ready to say, "Sure please," but I want to eat. So I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.'

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, 

Guard: "Hey Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
 
Manager: "It's fake."
 
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
 
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
 
Guard: "Yeah?"
 
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
 
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

Just think...those two will be voting soon!

Click here for what Snopes.com has to say about this.

Every Office Has One!

Motivational Posters

How to become an idiot in 5 seconds

Something to brighten everyone's day

'Aggghhhh! Someone dial 911, I'm being mauled by a troll!'

'I swear a Big Doberman busted in and just tore the place up....'

How to tell when its time to make your kids sleep in their own bed.... 

'Ahhh, the fresh, relaxing aroma of feet.......'

'Harlem Globetrotters here I come'

Par-tay, Par-tay, Par-tay!

'Uh, cat? What cat?'

There's no explaining Love.

'Helloooooooo'

Peace

'Hi! Will you be my friends?!'

Mad Skills....

The good thing about working here - If you need assistance smiling, there's always help!

Redneck Seafood Dinner

Men's and women's brains

Mark Gungor explains the difference between the male and the female brain

The Concert

When the house lights dimmed and the concert

was about to begin, the mother returned to

her seat and discovered that the child was missing

Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights

focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.

To her horror, the mother saw her little boy

sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out

'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.'

At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and

whispered in the boy's ear,

'Don't quit . . . keep playing.'

Then, leaning over , Paderewski reached

down with his left hand and began filling

in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached

around to the other side of the child,

and he added a running obbligato.

Together, the old master and the young novice

transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.

The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played.

Only the classic,

' Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.'

Perhaps that's the way it is with God.

What we can accomplish on

our own is hardly noteworthy.

We try our best, but the results aren't always

graceful flowing music. However, with the

hand of the Master, our life's

work can truly be beautiful.

The next time you set out to accomplish great feats,

listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the

Master, whispering in your

ear,

'Don't quit . . . Keep playing.'

May you feel His arms around you and

know that His hands are there, helping you

turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.

Remember, God doesn't seem to

call the equipped, rather, He equips the 'called.'

Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire. So touch someone by passing this little message along,

and

remember ,

'Don't quit . . . Keep playing.'

The Simple Life

The Simple Life

This is a PowerPoint Presentation. If you do not have a program installed on your computer that can read this type of file, please visit Open Office.

If clicking on the above link doesn't work, you will need to right click the link and select "save as". This option may be different depending on the type of web browser you are using.

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Utah


~~~

Kansas
~~~

Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC

Any Questions? NO?...Didn't think so.